I want to ask you to use your imagination for a moment.

Pretend you know nothing about non-monogamy (this part’s important). You’re scrolling through your favorite social media platform, and then, all of a sudden, you see this woman dancing to Depeche Mode.

And in the foreground of her dance moves, text appears, which is advice on how to self-soothe when your partner’s on a date with another woman.

You notice that nearly 8,000 people have liked this video.

Can you picture it? How would you react?

If you didn’t know what’s what, I’m guessing you would be outraged. The me of 10 years ago would have also been outraged. She would have thought, “This person’s boyfriend is cheating on her and she’s telling people to do something other than to break up with the deadbeat? This woman is delusional. How f*cked up.”

And that is, essentially, what many of the over 1,000 comments on this video say.

For some reason, unlike my other videos, this one reached the masses.  And when I say the masses, I mean a hell of a lot of people who have absolutely no context for this message.

And people are up in arms. Understandably.

By posting this video, I basically handed them a rock, stood there naked with my hands behind my head. And, in response, hundreds of people threw hardballs of condescension, ignorance, and hate at me.

It’s been a whirlwind, going on Instagram the last few weeks. The worst part is the people who have made these comments know nothing about who I am or what my life is really like. And it’s infuriating, partially because there’s no way I can respond effectively to all these people.

That said, over the past week, I’ve been coming to accept that this is just how it is.

And part of that acceptance has involved thinking about why these people are saying what they’re saying in the first place.

Do pain and love go together?

Hence the subject of this email you are reading right now. One person bought up an important point related to this question. At the end of the video, I say, “Life is not about avoiding pain, it’s about choosing pain that’s meaningful to you.”

In response to this, one person said: “I’ve been in therapy for years trying to uncouple pain and love. They don’t go together, this message is dangerous.”

And that struck a nerve with me.